THE BEST EUROVISION RECAP YOU'LL EVER READ

Wednesday, 16 May 2018

Just kidding, this is totally awful. I just wanted to make myself feel better.

On May 13, much like Ukraine’s entrant Mélovin, Australian’s rose from bed to watch our beloved Jessica Mauboy - and 25 other fantastic performers - sing their hearts out on the worlds largest stage. Eurovison 2018 taught us many things;

Numerous funky dance moves;


Where aspiring fashion bloggers have been going wrong;


And why we mere mortals should leave hair flips to Beyonce and Beyonce lookalikes.



One thing it cannot claim to have taught us is just how to write a song after Norway’s entrant Alexander Rybak, left the nation baffled with his song… ‘How to write a song.’ 

Breaking news: Experts conclude Rybak’s method is total bull***  preferring to direct any aspiring song writers to this article by wikiHow: How to Write a Song.


Later, we endured a controversial point ceremony - mostly because Australia scored the worst it has since entering which isn’t hard considering we first infiltrated European ranks a mere three years ago.


And even though a poll I made determined almost none of my followers actually watch Eurovision, I’m going to share some of my favourite moments.

Germany uncovers one of Ed Sheeran’s million estranged brothers
When German entrant Michael Schulte first walked onto stage, many believed they had mistakenly walked into an Ed Sheeran concert. This isn’t much of an accomplishment considering 2 year old Isla Walton’s genetic makeup is so similar to Ed’s her photo went viral last year. It seems all one has to do to be mistaken as the guy is have red hair and pale skin… however his song does sound a lot like Lego House… just something to consider. Regardless, it was a pretty great performance.



Isla Walton (left)                                   Ed Sheeran (right)

Trust falls continue to ruin friendships worldwide… meanwhile on the Eurovision Stage…
This year, Eurovision brought us one of the most spectacular trust falls I have ever seen! Finland’s representative Saara Alto began her performance on a spinning wheel of doom, included some interestingly dressed backup dancers and concluded with a trust fall off stage.

Personally, I wouldn’t trust my sister to catch me if I were standing a mere two centimetres away on level ground. But who wants to fall backwards anyways? Life advice - never trust a bungee jumper.

Thousands flock to the audiologist following Hungary's performance

AWS entertained us all (okay so this may be subjective... may be) during the Grand Final, officially joining the ranks of the great shoeless performers of Eurovision past. Running around maniacally, giving themselves neck injuries and screaming A LOT, they allowed many to reconnect with their former emo 14 year old selves.  That's an act of community service if you think about it.

Apparently the purpose of screaming in Hungarian was so they were able to express themselves 'eloquently'. Did they manage that??? No really, did they? I don't even know what they were singing about. Something to do with Summer... Despite the welcome change from sappy ballads (ahem - Spain) no one was more happy than the local audiologist, who has received a 95% increase in business since their performance. 


I do believe that's fake news right there people
If only Hungary could've performed first, Australia wouldn't be facing a coffee shortage.


Portuguese singer found to have eaten radioactive fairy floss
What do you mean I'm just making this up now? Have you not seen Spiderman? If you have, you'd know radioactive fairy floss is the only possible explanation for this woman's hair.

Ukraine brings us the soundtrack for the upcoming sixth edition to the Twilight Saga

Ukraine's song ‘Under the Ladder’ features entrant Mélovin rising from a coffin like contraption. Clearly, he was forced to use this over a real ladder following the realisation that ladders are in fact on this years list of prohibited items - along with chairs, umbrellas, hand cuffs and controversially, mugs in an effort to prevent anyone spilling the tea that the voting system is one big conspiracy - the only way to explain Australia’s score.


They've also placed a ban on anything one might find useful during the Zombie apocalypse so just make sure you're aware of and have come to terms with you imminent doom before choosing to attend next year.






Estonian designer forgot to include pockets
Elina Nechayeva’s dress may have dazzled audiences, costing a whopping 65 000 Euros, but it still doesn’t have pockets! That’s a lot of money to spend just to look like a giant lava lamp without pockets!! And no fake ones to be seen. It’s tragic really. Adding salt to the wound, Elina was unable to break all the glass in the Eurovision area. Fortunately, glass bottles are amongst the many items banned so it went unnoticed.

SuRie makes it through the 'Storm'
Eurovision fans were left shocked after a stage invader grabbed the microphone from British singer SuRie during her performance of 'Storm'. His actions provoked an interesting reaction from Australian commentator Joel Creasy, referring to the invader as an 'absolute c**khead,' the highlight of the evening - so kudos to you Joel for maintaining the entertaining commentary.
Despite being given a second chance to perform, SuRie declined saying something along the lines of 'that was her moment'... did you really expect me to do research and find her exact words?

If this was a bid to get more votes, it failed miserably. SuRie finished 24th out of the 26 contestants - still better than 'Cry Baby' in 2003... we will never forget.



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